You know I am a very busy woman with many hats. I love my life in every way. I am a strong woman. Lately Ive Ive reached my limit a couple times where I think to myself...I'm just so tired of being SO strong. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Any single moms out there? Maybe your not single but you have a load on your life the size of titanic most days and feel like that iceberg is just gonna jab out at any moment....I actually didn't have days like these before. Its a new era for me since I think I also used to play it safe by not taking on or being involved in as much as I do now. At the beginning of the deployment I thought I was taking on so much to maybe make sure I was keeping busy? But I saw it as taking a challenge, I had for the longest time wanted to do certain things but because of whatever reasons or limitation I had been facing I had said no, and finally I decided to say yes and do the things that I wanted to do...to at least give them a try. I wanted to make sure that my husband being gone wasn't used as an excuse or a crutch with me or my kids this year. It has been a busy, crazy, hard, fun, challenging, growing, year. It is now drawing near the end of the year and lately Ive just hit rock bottom a couple times...I think its just everything catching up on those days where maybe I haven't slept, or the kids are all in a mood too...I hate to admit it but sometimes I feel defeated. On these days though I always tell myself its just today...just one bad day is allowed because tomorrow will be better. And it is, usually the next day is migraine free, I smile a few times, or even get a phone call from my hunny....those are good days.
Like I said I have learned a lot this year...one being is I can pretty much factor when a bad day is coming on due to schedule, stress, sleep, and my physical well being/pain within the first hour or so of the day. And Ive kinda taken inventory of what is going on in my life around me...Ive learned that while I may be strong and able to carry the world, I am unable to carry the laundry basket. Literally that is where I always no matter how hard I try, I fall behind. The Laundry, the sweeping, the dishes, and overall cleaning...I find it is something I'm not rightfully good at and need help with more than anything just housework. I would much rather be down on the floor playing with the kids than wiping counter tops or mating socks. At first I thought I was being lazy so I shifted my thought process on it and made cleaning a kinda priority I just pretended like what would I do if I actually liked cleaning...well turns out that its not that I don't like it I'm just not so good at it. It is definitely not my stronghold. Ive got family members and friends who can clean the house right around me in under an hour what I try to do in a few days time...yep no joke.
Ive gotten around to cooking again a few times a week and the boys seem to really like most of my 'creations' pretty well. I remember when the cooking was a big deal at the beginning of the deployment but I realized even if I don't cook a full meal everyday I still feed em so I shouldn't stress about it. and even more stressful was the yard being mowed...well I hired someone to do that! Ive grown, changed, learned a lot this year so far.
The things I face right now are things beyond or out of my control mainly due to monetary reasons. Yes we are so blessed to have the money to pay our bills and I love being able to pay for my bills without worry it is truly a blessing every month for me. But we still don't have a family car that fits all of us.....still but I cant seem to save up money especially since I keep having to sink it into my husbands car every month the last 4 months counting now...ugh Maybe Santa will drop us off a nice big SUV in a pink bow! Then theres the furniture issue..which also brings back that ol money issue because beds for the boys and a sectional that we so Need so badly as ours has springs poking out through the seats and broke in 3 spots realistically that's what I'm working with but yeah I'm not dropping money out on that unless I can find a good deal because these kiddos need Christmas and I doubt they care much what their sitting on since were usually down on the floor. Then today after I got done babysitting I bundled all the kiddos up and headed out to do our recycling and make a drop off at the local goodwill because my kids never stop growing I'm constantly cycling through the clothes these days. I had no idea its actually a continuous cycle when you have 4 kids of buying and re buying clothes to literally keep them covered through the changing seasons. I was pulling out of goodwill and going a different way home and saw this house...I was like wow that's quaint and I just wondered maybe its 4 bedroom It didn't look big enough for but maybe 3 but I saw it had a brochure on the front so I decided to just have one of the boys jump out and grab it so I could look. And I was so surprised when yes it said it was a 4 bedroom!
See the thing is when I moved into our temporary housing this year it was just for me to make it through the deployment and be near family but it is not the kind of place my hubby wants to call home. He works hard and puts his life on the line no question everyday and I think he deserves what he wants in terms of a home for his family at the least. I saw this house and thought well that's a home...and I kept driving after reading there was no price on it so I made a note to check it out when I got home. I have checked it out and it looks perfect.Its even in our price range!! I think to myself how great would it be if I could get this house for us to move into as our real home for when he gets back! and then I remembered my Needs...and I felt a little defeated again...I remembered the growing laundry pile at home, the broken couch, the fact that we have to have a vehicle first before he comes home more than anything or we cant even travel together...and I haven't even been able to buy a car on my own with him gone how on earth would I be able to get a house!! and fill it with new furniture for the living room and boys bedrooms....? Answer: I cant. No I'm not Defeated. Yes all things are possible with Christ. Ive decided I learned just as I did about the fact that Im just not good at doing the laundry while watching 4 kids Its OK the laundry does get done miraculously somehow IL get a visit and my house will get cleaned! and While the Needs pile just keeps growing needing a couch, twin beds, food, clothing, a vehicle, a house....I cant but God Can. That's all I can say that I know no matter what is going on each day, weather Ive gotten a phone call this week, or weather the kids have got to video chat with daddy today or not, I Cant but God Can. Every single day, from now until forever...God Can.
